


The Short Story Zone

by marilynthedork



Series: Zone of Short Stories [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-03-26 06:11:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13851735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marilynthedork/pseuds/marilynthedork
Summary: Stories from Faerun and beyond, regarding the Seven Birds, and all the people they met on their impossible journey to save the universes.Story 1: Istus' Blessing. | Story 3: Your Name is Kravitz. | Story 3: Shaken, Rattled, and Rerolled. | Story 4: I'm not calling you a ghost. | Story 5: Marbled. | Story 6: Not Quite Human, Not Quite Monsters Either. | Story 7: Lydia and Edward's Evil Council of Doom. | Story 8: The Wizard's Apprentice (a Story for Children). | Story 9: Angus' Birthday Surprise.





	1. Istus' Blessing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating: Teen for Swears  
> Primary Characters: Taako, Magnus, Merle, Istus  
> Tags: Fluff, Humor  
> Summary: Taako hates winter. Istus is kind to her emissary  
> Notes: Hey this was on my old (now deleted) tumblr (also datacow40) so if you think this sounds familiar, that's probably why.

In Taako’s opinion, the world had no business being _this_ fucking _cold._ Elves were not known for being warm-blooded creatures, so winter was always super terrible for him. Something about being so in tune with the forest that you freeze along with it. It was total bullshit, and put him in a sour mood. He made sure to loudly complain about the temperature to anyone and everyone.

“Taako, you’re wearing like, two coats there,” Magnus pointed out, “And you’re still cold?”

“Listen,” Taako huffed, “First of all, this is a windbreaker, not a second coat, don’t even start. Second, yes, I’m still cold, because once I get cold it’s basically impossible to get warm again.”

“Have you tried running around? Getting the ol’ blood circulating? That always helps me,” Merle offered.

Taako rolled his eyes, “Yes, all that training we did today got my blood pumping, and I’m still a popsicle.”

Whatever, it wasn’t like he could change the weather. That night, he threw another blanket on his growing horde, crawled underneath, and settled in for another night of chilly meditation.

When he got up the next morning and looked in the mirror, he found something neatly folded and laid on his dresser. Which was strange, because the top of his dresser was a war zone of potion bottles and makeup. He picked it up carefully, and a small note fell to the floor. He held it up, letting it unfurl to reveal a soft yellow sweater with a red umbrella sewn on the front. He sat down on the floor, picked the note up from underneath him, and read the small, pristine handwriting:

_Taako,_

_A little gift for one of my favorite emissaries. Please continue to be your amazing self, and do try to stay warm._

_-Lady Fate Istus_

The Goddess of Fate knitted Taako a sweater. Taako, the shitty flip wizard and chef from TV, probably the least religious or faithful in their group, got a hand-made gift from a goddess. He pulled it on slowly, delicately, and sat there for a second.

It was, possibly, the softest and comfiest thing he had ever worn. The pastel yellow wool was fluffy, but not itchy. The red umbrastaff on the front looked plain, but Taako ran a finger over the stitching to admire how neat and intricate the embroidery was. It was also warm, and it made him want to crawl back into bed and just admire how fuzzy he felt. He hid his face in his hands, which were now enveloped in the sleeves, and grinned from ear to ear.

He took it off reluctantly and hid it underneath some of his blankets. He promised himself he would wear it later, but he couldn’t be seen with it. It was his special gift from Above; the others might get jealous. Besides, he had a reputation to keep up, and dorky sweaters were not part of his brand. He stuck the note into his mirror for safekeeping, thought up a quick “thank you” prayer to Istus, before getting dressed and heading off to do some training with his team.

 


	2. Your Name is Kravitz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating: Teen for subject matter  
> Primary Characters: Kravitz, the Raven Queen  
> Warnings/Tags: character death, deadly illness
> 
> Summary: and you are a bard...
> 
> Notes: uh-oh, it's in the second person!! and it's angst!! but it has a good ending, I think.

            Your name is Kravitz, and you are a bard.

            No one in your family was sure of where that came from. Your father was a ranger with deadly aim. Your mother was a monk, and only approved of your father’s bow when it put food on the table. The rest of your extended family were either those classes, or simply low-level wizards. You lived during a peaceful time with no major war being fought near you, so no one had much use for spells higher than the second level. Adventurers and mercenaries were also a rarity; not many people were banding together parties to hire themselves out. Regardless, you had a love of music, and teamwork, so you became a bard at sixteen. You left the safety of home and began travelling with anyone who would take you at twenty.

            After several trials, you found a party that you clicked with. They all found your musings comforting in the evening, and empowering during the day. They called you a songbird, because you always seemed to be whistling. You couldn’t help it; you were just so happy to have finally found what you thought was your calling. You thought this is where you were meant to be.

            This is about all you can remember about how you grew up. You don’t even know what race you were. Your father was human, but your mother could have been any humanoid of normal size. You do recall that they had dark, rich skin, though, because your skin is exactly like theirs to this day.

            Your name is Kravitz, you are a bard, and you were dying.

            You were twenty-two when you first fell ill, and twenty-three when the disease finally took you. You and your party thought it was merely a bug at first, so they let you lie in the most comfortable spot in the wagon and rest for a few days. When they (and you) realized you were getting worse, they took you to the nearest town with a cleric.

            You never saw your party again.

            You declined slowly at first, but in the last week it was rapid. The clerics couldn’t do anything to heal you, so they let you stay in their bed and fed you as much as you could stomach (which wasn’t a lot, especially towards the end). However, when their customers who could pay were worried of meeting your fate, you were kindly escorted to the door with your belongings, and the blankets you had been sleeping with.

            This is how you found yourself wandering to the well just outside of the town. It was tedious, because you were so weak, but you made it. You sat down on one of the stones to rest for a bit. This is when you first heard Her call you.

            “You poor little bird.”

            You looked around, but could see no one. Maybe you were hearing voices in the wind.

            “You’re so weak, and ill, and frail. And yet, your friends have abandoned you. The clerics have even given up on you.”

            You lay your head against the cool, wet rocks of the well.

            “No creature deserves such a fate, especially one so willing to help others. Come to me, Kravitz.”

            Your name is Kravitz, you are a bard, and you are now somewhere dark.

            As you come back too, you see the room around you is rather gothic. Dark columns, a marbled floor, and tall, arched windows. You cannot make out what’s outside, however, because of the dark, heavy curtains. Even though the room is dark, and unsettling, you find yourself feeling comfortable. It’s neither too cold nor too hot, and your sitting on something rather comfortable.

            “You were taken long before you time, Kravitz,” you hear Her say, Her voice no longer the faint whisper from earlier. “I have special duties for people like you, my child.”

            “Who are you?” You ask dumbly, even though you know the answer. It’s been so long since you last spoke, your mouth feels slow to move. However, your voice is no longer the weak croak it was when you were ill. You know what’s happened, now, and the realization hits you with a flood of emotions.

            “Be still, my child,” She soothes, “I am the Raven Queen, goddess of Death and the After. You have died, but you are safe now, my Kravitz.

            She combs through your hair, and you calm down. You realize she’s holding you in her lap. “You said something about a special job?”

            “For those who die before Fate is done with them,” She explains, “I take and I ask to enforce my rules. There are some living who wish to avoid me, or steal back someone who is with me now. There are some in my presence who wish to go back among the living. I need you, Kravitz, to find these people and bring them to me so I may properly deal with them. I could find them on my own, as you know, but the help and company are nice.”

            Her words wash over you, chilling you to a comfortable temperature from the inside. You have died, but you can continue helping overs. “Can I still have my music?”

            “Of course, my child. A bard’s song is a powerful magic. Now, will you join me?”

            Your name is Kravitz, you are a bard, and you are now the Reaper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kravitz: I died.  
> Taako: ...  
> Kravitz: I mean, I got better-  
> Taako: same.


	3. Shaken, Rattled, and Rerolled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating: Teen
> 
> Ships/Primary Characters: Blupjeans, Lucretia
> 
> Warnings/Tags: Character death, canon-typical memory loss, canon divergence
> 
> Summary: Lup enlists Barry's help to locate the Gauntlet and hide it away.
> 
> Notes: Roleswap/Canon divergence AU where Lup takes Barry to get the Gauntlet and they hide it in Wave Echo Cave and Barry ends up with the Umbrastaff with Lup inside. Not a full AU, just a little 'what if?'

 

“Hey babe, wake up.”

Barry’s not sure what time it is, but he knows it’s criminally early in the morning.

“Barry, come on babe, wake up.”

Barry groans and rolls over, only for Lup to climb on his back and start gently punching him.

“Barry Bluejeans, come on, this is important,” she whines softly.

“Lup, babe, remember how humans need to sleep?” Barry jokes.

“Yes, but they also need to stop dying,” Lup says cryptically. “Come on, I need to fix this, and I’m not going alone.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m going to fix this, Barry,” She explains, though it’s in such a vague way Barry can’t decipher what she means, “I was thinking of going alone, but it’s too risky. Now, will you please get up and get ready?”

This is how Barry finds himself getting dressed long before the sun has thought of rising, sneaking out of the Starblaster holding the elf’s hand, and going down to the latest perfect glass circle.

“You’re not seriously thinking of taking the Gauntlet, are you?” Barry asks, already knowing fully this is what’s happening in the pre-dawn light, “What are you even gonna do with it?”

“Hide it,” Lup says easily.

“That doesn’t take care of the other six relics,” Barry points out.

Lup hesitates, “… I know, but I can at least fix my mistake. Maybe I’ll be able to fix the others, too.”

The Gauntlet feels almost too easy to retrieve. It’s in the center of this glass circle, all life around it incinerated. It’s a chilling thought; all the destruction they’ve caused on this plane.

“You think we shoulda told the others we were leaving?” he asks.

“Already did that,” Lup smiles, “You worry too much.”

“I love you too much,” Barry replies easily. Fifty years ago, the thought would have been scary and new. Now, it comes as easy as breathing. He loves Lup; he wants to help Lup however he can. If Lup can somehow stop this war, and still keep the Hunger at bay, Barry is willing to follow her to the ends of this new world to figure out how. “Where are you going to hide it?”

“Haven’t thought that far ahead yet, Barold,” she admits, “I wasn’t even sure I’d even get it, ya know?”

“Good- yeah, good point,” Barry blushes, “But still, we gotta think of something.”

“Yeah, but right now, we gotta get back before they notice we’re gone.”

He and Lup begin to go down planetside more frequently. The Gauntlet is hidden away on the ship, where hopefully not even their crew can find it, but it can’t stay there forever. The secret is eating Barry up, and he knows Lup is on edge too. They just have to find somewhere secure enough.

“Gundreun Rockseeker,” Lup tells him one night, “On our planet, the Highchurches and the Rockseekers were related, distantly. Rockseekers here have a vault between two cities, hidden in the mountains and caves, and Gundreun has access to it.”

“I think I know what you’re thinking, babe,” Barry says, “But, why this? Are you sure it’s secure enough?”

“Positive,” Lup nods, “Only way in is with Rockseeker blood. If we ever need to get it out, we just ask Merle or his cousin. No one would guess Merle would be involved with the Gauntlet.”

The plan did sound solid, and it’s not as though they had many more options to choose from, “Okay, and we can trust Gundreun to keep it on the down-low?”

“Well, I was thinking…” Lup chewed her lip, “Maybe if we write down something like ‘The Phoenix Fire Gauntlet is in Rockseeker vault,’ we can feed that to Fischer and… problem solved?”

Barry thought it over for a moment. “…you know, at this point, anything’s worth a shot.” ~~~~

*

Barry stumbles out of the cave clutching a red umbrella, the only thing keeping him afloat as his head swims in confusion. He didn’t remember why he had been wandering the caves in the first place, but he must have tripped and… hit his head, he guessed. Something had obviously gone sideways, he just couldn’t remember what. He just needs to find his way to the nearest town, and all of this would sort itself out. He hoped.

He finds his way back to the path eventually, though he has no idea which way a town was. None of the scenery looks familiar, either, so he decides to head in the direction the sun is rising from. As he walks, he idly adjusts his glasses and pulls his cloak closer to himself. Even though the weather’s comfortably warm, he feels chilled by the realization he has no idea where he is or how he got here. He tries not to be too anxious; he used to end up lost a lot a kid because of his daydreaming. He probably has a concussion, he thinks, which would explain why he’s so confused.

Maybe he should stop moving… are you supposed to move when you’re concussed? He knows you’re not supposed to sleep, or it could cause serious damage. Perhaps that’s his problem; he must have gone unconscious with a concussion, resulting in amnesia. Is that even what happens? Or was it permanent brain damage…?

As he’s walking and turning his thoughts over in his brain, a cart comes up in front of him and pulls to a stop. A human woman steps out of the back and comes up to him hurriedly. She’s young, with clear dark skin and even darker hair that’s been cropped short. She seems friendly, not like she’s going to rob him, so he smiles at her.

“Oh, Barry, there you are, we’ve been looking all over for you,” she says. Barry is confused, because even though she sounds painfully sarcastic and dry, her face is creased with concern.

“Oh, uh, sorry,” Suddenly, he feels scared and alone, seeing the face of someone he feels like he’s supposed to recognize, “I- I think… I think I bumped my head, ma’am, because I-I’m not sure where I am or… or who you are, you see. Do- I do know you, right?”

“Of course, Barry,” she says soothingly, though her voice is still monotone. Strangely, it’s comforting, “I’m the Director, and you are my scientific advisor. That’s Davenport up there driving, he’s my right-hand man. I’m so glad we’ve found you, you’ve been gone for quite some time.”

“That… yeah, that sounds right,” Barry nods dumbly. He lets the nice lady- the Director- start leading him back to the cart. “I’m real tired.”

“I’m sure you are, and you can nap on the way back to our office, certainly. I just have one question for you before you do.”

They climb into the back of the wagon and Barry makes himself comfortable. This certainly beats walking, “Yeah? I dunno how well I’ll answer, but I’ll try.”

“And that’s all I ever ask,” she smiles tightly, “Now, do you happen to know where you got that umbrella?”

“I, uh… huh,” Barry looks down at it, turning it over in his hand, looking for any clue, “I guess I… musta picked it up while I was out. I dunno, maybe it was gonna rain?”

“Probably,” the Director shrugs, “You look nice with it, though.”

“Thanks. And, if I’m being honest? I don’t know why, but I feel safer with it too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you wanna expand on this idea, be my guest! I have too many other projects to even pretend I could flesh this AU out.


	4. I'm not calling you a ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating: Teen for Swears
> 
> Primary Characters: Taako, Lup, Ren, Angus
> 
> Warnings/Tags: paranormal investigation AU, character death not shown on-screen, modern au
> 
> Summary: just stop haunting me."  
> -Florence and the Machine.
> 
> Taako and Lup Byrd are paranormal investigators asked to visit the McDonald estate to find out if its halls are really haunted by the late Angus McDonald. 
> 
> Notes: I've been watching a lot of Buzzfeed Unsolved okay? Sue me.

            The two pull up to the entrance in their old, beat-up, single-cab 1986 Chevy pickup. The sun was just beginning to sink under the horizon, causing the tall, black, iron gate to cast stark shadows. Lup cranked down the window and pushed the intercom’s speaker button. “This is _Twin Byrd’s Paranormal Investigations_ , we’re at your front gate now.”

            “Are you two the ones spending the night?” a woman asked, her voice crackling as it came through the speaker, “The ghost hunters?”

            “Yes ma’am, that would be us,” Lup said, “Are you Miss Ren?”

            “Yeah, that’s me, hold on.” The voice cut off, and the tall gate slowly began to creak open.

            “Are you excited, Koko?” Lup turned her head and grinned at her brother in the passenger seat, “Because I’m pumped.”

            “I’m… cautiously optimistic,” Taako said slowly, “It’d be dope if we met a ghost, natch, but… it could be dangerous.”

            “Well, duh,” Lup rolled her eyes. “That’s part of the fun of it.”

            “I’d just rather not become ghosts ourselves, ya know?”

            Lup shifted gears and started up the long driveway. “I mean, same, but if we do, how frigging sweet would that be? The hunter becomes the hunted, or whatever.”

            “We’d be dead, Lup,” Taako groaned, “I don’t want to spend eternity wailing and ghosting it up!”

            “You know, I could make a shitty, ‘That’s what she said,’ joke, but I love you, so I won’t.”

            “You’re the worst and I hate you. Can’t believe I’m about to spend the night poking the undead with you.”

            “Tell me something I don’t know.”

            They parked in the circle drive, got out, and grabbed their equipment from the toolbox in the bed of the truck. Lup pulled out her video camera, turned it on, and pointed it at Taako. “It’s roughly 7:00 pm on Saturday, April 21st. Taako and I are here at the McDonald estate to look into the reported paranormal activity.”

            A woman wearing a large apron was waiting for them in the front door’s threshold, “Hello, I’m Ren, the one who contacted you and asked you to come out.”

            “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Taako reached out his free hand to shake hers, “I’m Taako, and this is Lup here with the camera.”

            “Why don’t y’all come into the kitchen? I’m sure you have lots of questions before we leave you two here alone,” Ren explained, gesturing for them to step inside.

            “Oh, yes ma’am, thank you,” Lup nodded. The entryway, as well as the manor in general, was like stepping into the previous century’s upper-crust. There were vases with bouquets of spring flowers on almost every side table, mirrors for guests to fix their appearances in, and ornate rugs on the smooth hardwood floor. Chandeliers, sconces, and floor lamps casted a warm glow over the well-maintained furniture. It was exactly the kind of places the twins had imagined ghost hunting in, minus the dilapidation of your stereotypical haunted house. In fact, the housekeeping was much better than their own tiny apartment’s. Lup moved her camera steadily, trying to capture as much of the beauty and atmosphere as she could on film.

            The kitchen was also seeped in history, though the appliances were modern. Taako and Lup sat down, shoulder-to-shoulder, in the breakfast nook’s window seat, and Ren sat across the table from them. Taako pulled out a small notepad from his backpack, and flipped it to a blank page. “Okay, what do you know about the spirit, or demon, who you believe is here?”

            “Oh, he’s not a demon,” Ren explained softly, and immediately Taako began jotting down notes. Lup kept her camera trained on her as she continued, “He’s only a little boy, I’m sure of it.”

            “Does he have a name?” Lup asked.

            “Angus,” Ren smiled fondly, her expression bittersweet. “He was the McDonald’s last child.”

“I assume he’s… passed away?” Taako looked up at her quizzically. Lup elbowed him under the table, but he ignored her. The more details they had about what they might find, the better.

“He became very sick,” Ren nodded, “His parents took him to so many doctors and specialists, but they all said there wasn’t anything they could do to cure it, only to ease his pain. I was his nanny, and I was there when- we were all these when he…”

            Lup waited for Ren to regain her composure, subtly wiping at her own eyes, “What makes you believe Angus is still here?”

            “It started with little things, as I’m sure you’re used to hearing. I’d find books on the desk in the study instead of on the shelf, or I’d find dirty dishes in the sink. But then, I started seeing lights turn themselves on or off, or felt a room being unnaturally cool. Cassidy- she’s one of the yard workers- has also seen these things as well.”

            “So, he’s most active in the library and the kitchen?” Taako asked.

            “And his bedroom and playroom, yes,” Ren nodded, “I’ve seen his toys move before, and I’m convinced it’s not just me seeing things. There are just too many coincidences.

            “We understand, ma’am,” Taako finished writing and looked up at her, “If we do come into contact with him… is there anything you want us to tell him on his parents’, or your, behalf?”

            “Just that…” Ren wiped at her eye and sniffed, her voice wavering, “That we love him, and that… that it’s okay for him to move on.”

            Lup hit the ‘stop’ button on her camera, set it down, and came over and hugged her. “We want to help both move on, okay? And I promise you, that’s what we’re going to try to do tonight.”

*

            Lup set up her tripod in the corner of the play room and plugged her video camera into it. She turned it to the night vision setting, then sat down across from Taako and crossed her legs. He had already placed Ouija board on the rug and lit the candle. She took out her voice recorder and clicked it on, “It’s now 9:32 pm on the 21st, and we’re about to attempt to communicate with the spirit of Angus McDonald.”

            “Do you think we’re going to find anything tonight?” Taako asked quietly, trying to keep from interfering with their audio feed.

            “Who knows? It’s our first night here. But then again, we are the only ones around, so we’ll see,” Lup said, “I just… I feel bad for Ren, and for Angus. I wanna give him a hug.”

            “You want to hug the potentially dangerous ghost boy?” Taako asked incredulously.

            “Don’t even at me with that shit, Koko, he’s a sad little boy! You said you’d make out with a demon if you could, let me have my ghost dreams.”

            “I did not come out here to get kinkshamed by my own flesh and blood, who’s dating the dude who wears blue jeans and a t-shirt to an exorcism, by the way.”

            “You leave Barold out of this,” Lup hissed.

            “You know I’m right.”

            “Just- say something to Angus.”

Taako rolled his eyes and cleared his throat, “Hey there demons, it’s me, ya boy.”

            “Oh my _god_ , is that _really_ how you’re going to start this? Like _that?!_ ” Lup hid her face in her hands and stifled her laughter, “Angus isn’t even a demon, ya dingus, he’s a ghost boy!”

            “You don’t know that!” Taako explained, “Demons usually look like kids, I just wanna cover our bases!”

            “Fine, whatever,” Lup shook her head, “Go on.”

            “Anyway, Ango, if you’re here, give us a sign,” Taako said, “We got all sorts of stuff for you to mess with.”

            They waited several moments, but they were met with silence.

            “Well, that’s lame,” Taako shrugged, “Maybe he’s in the library, like a nerd.”

            The planchette hit Taako in the arm.

            “Very funny, Lup.”

            “Koko, that wasn’t me,” Lup whispered, posture tense.

            “For real?” Taako mouthed, “Did we-“

            The planchette dropped onto the “Yes.”

            “Holy shit,” Lup breathed, “Is the camera getting any of this?”

            Taako squinted to see the red light that indicated it was on, “I think the boy wonder here turned it off. Your phone still working?”

            “ _No,”_ Lup gasps, tapping the screen to get it to come on. She looked up, panicked, and whispered, “Shit, what do we _do?”_

“Ask him a question, I guess,” Taako whispered back, looking just as unsure, “Or we could pack up and leave _right now_.”

            “Hell no, not with an actual ghost _right here_ ,” Lup grit her teeth in determination, “Hey, Angus, how old are you, baby?”

            As if he was unsure, the planchette moved between the 8 and 9, before finally resting between them.

            “Eight and a half? Aw, that’s cute,” Lup smiled fondly.

            Then, the piece moved to the H, then U, and finally stopped on G.

            Taako began cackling, “He heard us! That’s perfect!”

            “Do you- do want a hug, pumpkin?” Lup laughed nervously, “Because, I mean, I’m down if you are…”

            The candle blew out, and a chill settled over the room. Lup felt a cold weight settle in her lap. Something wrapped itself around her waist, and she sucked in her breath on instinct. She _would_ be the one to die because she invited an unholy, undead entity to hug her. Taako would never let her live this down.

            A young boy, smaller than a healthy 8-year-old, flickered into view, surrounded by a soft, blue glow. He had his face buried against her chest, but she could feel his glasses pushed against the skin.

“Thank you, ma’am,” he said quietly, then disappeared, turning the lights on as he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't usually do sequels to these (kinda defeats the point lol) but man, I'd love to do a prequel to this where they first meet Barry. I have... Ideas


	5. Marbled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating: Teen
> 
> Ships/Primary Characters: Taakitz, the Raven Queen
> 
> Warnings/Tags: regeneration, major character injury, fluff, a little bit of gore at the beginning
> 
> Summary: Kravitz gets a new look.
> 
> Notes: Okay so the basic idea is that reapers are like gems from Steven Universe: their bodies are a projection/construct, and if they get too damaged they reform.

One would think being the boyfriend, soon-to-be husband, of one of the saviors of the known universes, would have made his job easier. Alas, in this particular moment, it seemed to be making his job harder. Stupid Seven Birds, making skipping out on death seem cool.

He knew he shouldn’t be cursing his fiancé and his family. It’s not like they purposefully wanted to break the laws of life and death like they did. They were trying to save themselves, and everyone else in the process.

It was just… really hard to stay positive when your stomach is gushing blood.

Of course, the blood was an illusion, since he was quite dead, but the rest of his body was also an illusion. Even the skeletal form was only a projection; the ‘real’ him was his soul. Once his body took too much damage, however, that’s when trouble started.

And illusion or know, it still ducking hurt like a mother-ducker.

(He had Magnus to thank for the colorful non-swear.)

Kravitz was not giving up on this bounty. Oh no, he would be back, and there would be hell to pay. He needed to retreat, however, because his body was beginning to crumble. He relaxed, letting his form completely disintegrate, and transported himself back to his Queen’s throne room.

“It has been a long time since we have needed to do this,” the Queen said. Or, perhaps, She thought it? It was always difficult to tell just how his Queen conveyed Her messages, with Her multi-toned voice and her unknowable form. All he knew was that he understood the message, and he found comfort in the unknown.

“Yes, my Queen.”

“Such a shame, as well. I was quite fold of this form.”

“I’m sorry, my Queen.”

“There is no need to apologize, my Kravitz,” She assured him, “It was inevitable. Now, we must reform you quickly. Your soul requires a vessel.”

His soul moved closer to Her, and she took it into her possession.

“What do you remember about yourself from when you were alive, my Kravitz?”

They went over this every one of the few times he had to be reformed. The illusion of a body was dependent on his memories. At first, he was able to recall almost everything. So much time had passed since he was living, however, that his memory was nearly non-existent.

“Both of my parents were humanoid, but not dwarves or gnomes. My father was human, and his skin was very dark. My mother dreaded my hair. Both of them were taller than average, but not overly tall… I was a young adult when I passed.”

“Is that all?”

“Yes, my Queen, that is all I remember.”

“Very well.”

Having a new body formed wasn’t painful, or uncomfortable, or even tingly. If anything, it was absent of feeling. Kravitz found it soothing, in a way; letting his Queen take care of him and allowing his soul to relax. That was, until he remembered something rather important.

“What if Taako doesn’t like it?”

“That is nonsense, my reaper.”

“He thought I was handsome before, what if… that changes?”

“I’m sure he loves you for more than just your appearance. Not even he could be that vain.”

She took his soul and gently placed it in his new vessel. He opened his eyes, and tentatively stretched his new arms and legs. Everything felt functional, which was always a relief. He trusted his Queen, of course, but he always worried the new bodies would be sickly as he was before he died. He looked down at his hands, and gasped.

“My Queen, I believe… I do not think I’m quite finished.”

“Whatever do you mean?”

“My hands have… light- patches? As if… my skin wasn’t fully painted. Is all of my-“

He pulled up the sleeves on his suit, and the legs of his pants. Sur enough, these white marks were all over his limbs, probably over the rest of him too.

“I do not see the issue, My Kravitz. You know, there are several who have this condition.”

“…may I try again?”

“So soon after the last reforming? I mean, it’s certainly possible, but it would be too much of a strain, considering you aren’t mortally injured.”

“Yes, my Queen,” Kravitz hung his head.

“Why don’t you take a few days off, become reacquainted with your body, and show Taako.”

“My Queen-“

She opened a portal into the kitchen of the home he shared with Taako, and gently pushed the reaper through, “I’m sure it will be just fine, my Kravitz.”

On instinct, he turned to his skeletal form. He hoped that, if anything was different in this form, Taako wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. His fiancé was at the stovetop, stirring a pot of hot chocolate, Kravitz guessed from the smell. He looked out the window, and noted how late at night it was. _How long had he been reforming? A day? Two days?_

Taako’s ears perked up at the sound of the portal opening and closing. “Hey Krav! What took you so long?”

“Oh, you know… the usual,” Kravitz lied, “It was a- complicated mission, and the Queen needed me there when she dealt with… them.”

“You’ve been getting a lot of these tough cases lately,” Taako noted, “Do you get benefits? Vacation time? Workers comp?”

 _Of course he would just happen to mention that last one_. “I suppose my benefit is being… in service to my Queen, and not deceased completely. But, if you want to go on a holiday, I’m sure I could ask for some time off?”

“I mean, probably not right now, in the middle of the semester,” Taako shook his head, “Maybe when Ango gets out for summer vacation.”

“Ah, yes, of course, Kravitz nodded.

“But you should definitely cash in a few vacation days, my dude. You probably have about a thousand,” Taako chuckled, “And you should also show me that handsome face of yours, bone boy.”

Kravitz sighed, “Is that really necessary?”

“What, the nickname or the transformation thing?” Taako cocked a brow playfully, “Because yes, both are highly necessary. Kissing a skull just isn’t the same as a flesh face.”

“That sounds disgusting, love,” Kravitz deflected.

“Yeah, not my best work, but you know what I mean!”

“Very well,” Kravitz took in a deep breath, even though he didn’t have lungs in this form and breathing was entirely unneeded for a dead man, “Promise me you… won’t freak out?”

“Come on, Kravy, I think we’re past that stage,” Taako assured him, “I mean, we are having the biggest, gayest wedding here eventually, right?”

“Of course, nothing but the most elaborate and extravagant.” With that, Kravitz returned to his… non-skeletal body.

Taako’s eyes widened, then narrowed, then he schooled his face back to practiced neutrality. “Babe, you, uh-“

“Look different?”

“Yeah… that.” The elf walked over and gently touched his ear, “Pretty sure you weren’t a half-elf before.”

“No, I was definitely… human.” Kravitz blushed sheepishly.

“Hold on,” Taako turned away, took two mugs from the cabinet, and poured himself and Kravitz some hot chocolate. He handed one over with a tight smile, “Now, do you wanna tell me what really happened at work?”

They sat down at the island. Kravitz took a sip of his drink before he began, “It was, uh, a work accident?”

“I think it was a little bit more than an accident; you’re a completely different race!”

“Well, you see, when a reaper such as myself becomes… too wounded, we give up our construct and need to be reformed. Our construct is based off of our memories: who are parents were, what they looked like, other relatives… since it’s been so long since I- passed, my criteria for reforming is broader than most people’s, let’s say.”

“…Does it happen often?”

“Not at all,” Kravitz assured him, “It takes quite a bit to take down a reaper, as you would imagine.”

“Cool,” Taako took a long drink. Then he hopped down from the bar stool and put his mug in the sink., “Well, that’s real neat, handsome. Are you ready for bed?”

“Wait, are you serious?” Kravitz shook his head, stunned that Taako only had the one question. And that he hadn’t pointed out the obvious-

“My dude, it is like, 4 am. I have been up most of the night wondering where the hell you were. I’m honestly glad it’s just more weird reaper shit I gotta deal with. I’m used to that.”

“Taako, I look completely different!”

“Not really,” Taako shrugged, “Still got a handsome face I wanna smooch. Oh, is that why you’re not coming? I can fix that-“

“My skin is patchy, love! Covered in these- these horrible white spots! Have you even noticed?!”

“Well, yeah, natch. I just don’t see what the big deal is,” Taako came back over and wrapped his arms around the reaper’s middle, “You still look handsome, and you’re still engaged to me. Should I… care? What you look like?”

“I don’t… Well, I think…. I suppose I’m just… frazzled,” Kravitz slumped down, “I was so used to being unchanged for so long, I guess this is… I’m adjusting.”

Taako took Kravitz’s left hand, the one that (thankfully still) had his engagement ring, and tenderly kissed one of the patches. Then he used the hand to cup his own cheek, “I still love you, Kravitz, a fucking lot, if that’s what your worried about.”

“I-I love you too,” Kravitz sniffed, taking his hand back to swipe at his eyes, “Thank you.”

“Yeah, I def think it’s bed time,” Taako smirked, “We’re getting all sappy and shit, and that ain’t part of the brand.”

“Yes, of course,” Kravitz chuckled, getting of his one stool and taking Taako’s hand.

They made it to their bedroom and settled down in the covers.

“If you want my honest, Taako opinion,” he began, “I think it looks… cool? Cute? It’s definitely different, and me like.”

“Do you mean that? Or are you just saying it to make me feel better?”

“…Both. I mean, I’m not shitting you when I say I like it, but I want you to be… comfortable with yourself. Can’t have my future husband having body confidence issues-“

Kravitz kissed the crown of his head, “Thank you.”

Taako hid his face in Kravitz’s chest to hide the creeping blush, “N-no sweat.”


	6. Not Quite Human, Not Quite Monsters Either

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating: Teen  
> Ships/Primary Characters: Taakitz
> 
> Warnings/Tags: Monster characters, the IPRE are aliens, purring elves, fluff, humor
> 
> Summary: Elves are not humans. Reapers and agents of death are not human, either. Usually, however, they aren't monsters, either.
> 
> Notes: Uhhhh thank the TAZ fic writers discord for this one. I just really love wings n claws and such.

Taako was not like most other elves, obviously. He spent most of his time around other races, for one. In fact, he hardly tried to socialize with the other elves. He didn’t go out of his way to avoid them, either; he thought Johann was chill, and of course Ren was his right-hand. 

 

And sure, Taako thought he was better than everyone, but that was more his personality and less his elven heritage. And gods above, he did have the androgynous, ethereal beauty of an elf, which he often used to his advantage. Other than that, however, there was something off about Taako.

 

His eyes and ears were uncannily expressive. His eyes would dilate when he saw something exciting, or narrow when he was pissed. And sure, his eyes were a dazzling shade of green, but when if you ever got close enough to look, you would see the faintest, barely-there outline of yellow. Similarly, his ears would flick almost at random. Sometimes it was when he heard something interesting, like his sister gossiping or Angus coming home, but usually there seemed to be no cause. They also drooped when he was sad or anxious, and folded back when he was angry.

 

Once, Kravitz woke up and saw Taako come out of the bathroom, eyes glowly an eerie shade of yellow-green.

 

His nails were razor sharp as well. He had accidentally scratched Kravitz multiple times when he was trying to caress his arm. His canine teeth, which grew in almost on top of his other teeth, also looked dangerous.

 

After the Broadcast, Kravitz quickly and suddenly learned a lot of new things about Taako. Firstly: he wasn’t from Faerun at all. Even more weird: he had a tail. A long, graceful tail, sleek and blond like his hair. Lup, and every other elf from the Two-Sunned Planet, also had them. He could also purr, which apparently he did a lot more of then you’d expect during their 100 year flight. It only proved how close the crew.

 

After the fighting, after the defeat of the Hunger, and after the rebuilding had started and slowed to a manageable pace,  Kravitz got to ask about all of Taako’s strange quirks.

 

“So, I guess the reason you’re not like other elves is because, quite literally, you aren’t like other elves,” Kravitz mused one night when they were walking through Refuge after dinner.

 

“Yeah, turns out cha’boy is an alien. Who’d a thunk?” Taako said easily, his tail flicking lazily.

 

“I just can’t believe nobody noticed your tail before now,” Kravitz said, “Not even me, and the Voidfish don’t effect the dead.”

“Yeah, well, you also didn’t know we weren’t from here, and how we died so many times,” Taako shrugged, “So, ya know, makes sense.”

 

“Yes, I suppose so,” Kravitz agreed. They fell into a comfortable, warm silence for a moment, before he continued, “Um, Taako, I was wondering.”

 

“If you’re gonna ask if I can still purr, save it. The answer is yes, but I’m hella rusty and it feels very weird because I haven’t done it in so long.”

 

“That’s… not what I was thinking, but thank you for telling me,” Kravitz laughed nervously, “No, it’s- uh… Taako, I suppose I haven’t been completely honest with you. Not on purpose, but it’s something I’ve neglected to tell you.”

 

Taako stopped the casual stroll he had been keeping up, turing to face Kravitz. 

 

“I know you’re probably worried, and upset, but… just- please don’t freak out?” Kravitz pleaded softly, quietly.

 

Slowly, he unclasped his cloak, letting it fall heavily onto the sidewalk. Two large, ebony wings then unfurled from his back, stretching and spreading tentatively now that they were free. He gave each one an experimental flap, then looked up at Taako guiltily.

 

As soon as the wings were revealed, Taako gasped, putting both hands to his mouth the muffle the noise. They were truly stunning, and they left Taako without breath. They were large, each one as wide as Kravitz was tall. They also looked strong, powerful, but also delicate and gentle. The feathers, black with undertones of indigo that shone in the lamplight, look so soft that Taako wanted to run other and pet immediately.

 

“Holy shit,” Taako breathed reverently.

 

Kravitz interlocked his fingers nervously, “So, you… like them?”

 

“Holy fuck,” Taako added eloquently.

 

“You don’t like them?” Kravitz asked, his wings briefly sagging in disappointment.

 

“Oh Istus, they fucking droop when you’re sad,” Taako fawned, “I love them so much.”

 

“Really? I’m so glad,” Kravitz beamed, which made his wings spread like he was about to take flight.

 

“Do all reapers have them?” 

 

“Well, it’s kind of a divine gift… thing. Usually the wings are purely magical constructs, so you can’t actually touch them. Some reapers do have physical wings because-”

 

“The aesthetic? Yeah, I bet.” Taako grinned. “It’s like, really cool though. I’m dating a dead bird man.”

 

“I’m honestly just glad you’re not freaked out,” Kravitz smiled softly.

 

“If I was, I wouldn’t have much room to talk,” Taako pointed out, swishing his tail and catching it for emphasis, “Just, uhh, quick lil’ Q: why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

 

“Oh boy, erm” Kravitz blushed, “This is rather silly, but it kinda… slipped my mind? I… mostly use them to intimidate people when I’m working, so it didn’t seem appropriate for our dates. And I just never knew how to bring it up.”

 

Taako laughed, “Only you would forget to mention you have fucking  _ raven _ wings there, Poe. You really are a disaster gay under that pretty, put-together facade.”

 

“You caught me,” Kravitz put his hands up in surrender, chuckling.

 

“Anyway, we are totally exploring this when we get home,” Taako’s tail wagging playfully, “But, uh, any other weird anatomy I should know about?”

 

“As I matter of fact, I do believe there is something else,” Kravitz stroked his chin thoughtfully, “Yes, I have two dicks.”

 

_ “What?! _ ” Taako choked, coughing to regain some composure.

 

“You heard me.”

 

“ _ Seriously?  _ Are you for real?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Explain yourself. Right. Now.”

 

“Well, there was the one I was born with, and now I have you,” Kravitz winked.


	7. Lydia and Edward's Evil Council of Doom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating: Teen
> 
> Ships/Primary Characters: *all* the villians
> 
> Warnings/Tags: crack, self-indulgent nonsense
> 
> Summary: In a remote part of Faerun that few dared venture into, a handful of our story’s greatest enemies have gathered to plot the demise of our heroes. What diabolical scheme have they brewed? Find out in… the Adventure Zone!
> 
> Based off of LittleKuriboh's Evil Council series.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a silly fic I "wrote" in March(?) before I had a series for my shorter works. I "wrote" this because I wasn't able to write anything satisfying for my other stories. I was having trouble with dialogue, so I thought, "but what if I didn't have to write any?"
> 
> I've had the idea for this parody for a while, but I never thought I'd write it. I took some creative liberties with the dialogue (mostly chopping out bits that didn't make sense for this universe, splitting Marik into two characters, and inserting TAZ character names.) This fic is meant to be taken about as seriously as a pie to the face. So, with that in mind, hope you enjoy!

            The cave walls echoed with the chatter of the villains. Two tall, slender elves, dressed in flashy pantsuits, moved through the small crowd to the cave’s outcropping that made a natural stage for them. The female elf rang a bell, getting everyone’s attention.

            “Welcome, I'm glad to see you all came,” Lydia said smoothly, putting the bell behind her back, “As you can see, we have assembled all the The Adventure Zone villains into one place. This night shall see the end of… The Tres Horny Boys.”

            Edward groaned, “Gods, that’s such a stupid name.”

            Lydia continued as if the interruption never happened, “With our combined evil, we shall defeat them! ...Somehow! Now for the evil roll call!”

            Edward produced a list from his suit pocket, conjured a pair of reading glasses, and read the names off the list, “Magic Brian?”

            “This evil council is simply fabulous, darling!” the drow waved cheerfully.

            Lydia took out her own copy of the list, “Jenkins!”

            “Word to your mama,” he smirked.

            “Jerry and Lil’ Jerry!” Edward called.

            “He said ‘Lil’ Jerry,’ like my dick,” Jerry guffawed.

            Lil’ Jerry nodded in affirmation, snickering “Oh, yeah.”

            Lydia rolled her eyes, but continued, “The Purple Worm!”

            The creature, who should not have logically been able to squeeze into the room, let out an unholy screech. “Hellooooooo, Dolly!”

            “Yeemick!” Edward shouted, his ears still ringing.

            “Charmed,” Yeemick drawled, taking a bow.

            “Marvey!”

            “Aye, that’s me,” he said, looking around in confusion

            “And finally,” Edward stared at the paper for a moment, “Merrick? Who the hell the that?”

            A large man in the back of the cave raised a hand and mumbled incoherently.

            “Yes, okay,” Edward waved dismissively, “Now then, on to business. Evil business!”

            “Wait a minute. Is this it?” Jenkins asked, looking around the cave, “These are all the villains from our podcast?”

            “Oh, what are you blathering about?” Lydia huffed.

            “Come on, this can't be it. There's got to be more,” Jenkins insisted, “I mean, what about Lucas?”

            “We don't need Lucas,” Edward crossed his arms.

            Lydia also crossed her arms, “He would just slow us down with all his money and resources.”

            “That's our story and we’re sticking to it,” Edward nodded curtly.

            Jenkins smiled coyly, “He turned you down, didn't he?”

            “Look, just shut the hell up!” Lydia pouted.

            “Lucas isn't one of us!” Edward explained, “He's not villain material; he's more like an anti-hero-“

            “-the worst kind of hero there is!” Lydia interjected, “They give us villains a good name!”

            “But wait, darling, I wasn’t a villain either,” Magic Brian frowned.

            “Of course you were a villain,” Edward said.

            “You were going to kill innocent people just to bring back your stupid dead slut of a fiancé, remember?” Lydia told him.

            “Oh, no no no, you’ve got it all wrong,” Magic Brain shook his head, “I was just enthralled. I didn't know-“

            Jenkins cut in, “Is that what you told your parents when they caught you making out with your boyfriend in the closet?”

            Jerry and Lil’ Jerry chortled at that. “Aye! I don't get it,” Lil’ Jerry admitted.

            “Silence!” Edward shouted. This meeting was quickly getting away from them. “I command you all to shut the hell up!”

            “We didn't come here to discuss Magic Brian's ambiguous sexual orientation,” Lydia massaged the bridge of her nose. Even though the twins fed off of suffering, it didn’t work when they were the ones in agony.

            “I did!” The purple worm shrieked happily, vibrating the cave’s walls and making bits of stone fall.

            “Shut  _up!”_  Edward yelled, “What we came here to do is defeat Taako, Merle, and Magnus.”

            “Once and for all!” Lydia added.

            “I mean, I came here because I was promised free tacos,” Yeemick shrugged.

            “Oh, by the way: there are no free tacos,” Lydia admitted with no remorse.

            “It was a lie, dear,” Edward said gleefully.

            “Figures,” Yeemick muttered.

            “So, how are we going to defeat them?” Jenkins asked, steering the conversation back on track, “Are we going to kill them? Because I would be totally on board with that. Especially if it involves trains. I like trains. They make me feel all tingly...”

            “No! We won't kill them with a train,” Edward sighed.

            “That would be too obvious!” Lydia insisted.

            Jenkins rolled his eyes, “Too fun, more like it...”

            “No, my brother and I have a much more elegant plan,” Lydia said proudly, “Drum roll, please.”

            There was a moment of silence, where the group looked to each other in confusion.

            “Come on, is it too much to ask for a drum roll?” Lydia groaned, “Mannequins, drum roll!”

            Two mannequins were conjured, and began frantically drumming.

            “Thank you, for God's sake...” Lydia mumbled.

            “In order to defeat the,” Edward gagged a little for effect, “Tres Horny Boys, we're going to... Engage them in combat!”

            The room was quiet, aside from the drumming.

            “That's your plan?” Jenkins asked incredulously.

            “But darling, I already did that,” Magic Brian said gently.

            “Yeah, we’s too,” Lil’ Jerry confirmed.

            “This will be no ordinary combat encounter,” Edward insisted, “It will... I can’t think with that stupid drum!”

            Lydia moaned, like every second spent with these fools was sapping her nonexistent life force, “Look, you can stop the drum roll now!”

            The mannequins stopped playing and crumpled into a heap on the floor.

            “Thank you,” Edward sighed. “Anyway: this fight will take place... on a boat!”

            “A boat.” Jenkins deadpanned.

            “Yes!” Edward grinned.

            “Ingenious, isn't it?” Lydia beamed.

            Yeemick facepalmed.

            “Why a boat?” Jenkins asked. “Why not a train?”

            “Because,” Lydia started, then waved her hands like she was looking for the right words. Or perhaps any words, “When they are defeated... We'll...”

            “Push him over the edge of the boat!” Edward snapped his fingers “Into the sea!”

            “Then why do we even need to fight them?” Jenkins cried, “Why can't we just push them off the boat?”

            Both twins were quiet for a moment. “... No!” Edward exclaimed, “The combat is integral to the plot! The evil plot!”

            “Of which we are the evil masterminds!” Lydia shouted, her voice rising in pitch.

            “Uh... Hey! Where are all the chicks?” Jerry asked.

            “Yeah, bada bing! Where are the chicks?” Lil’ Jerry demanded.

            “What did they just say?” Lydia gripped her hair. This meeting was more distracted than a dog at a squirrel sanctuary.

            “I think he wants to know why there aren't more women here,” Jenkins explained.

            “Foolish fools!” Lydia stomped her foot, “There are no incompetent women in The Adventure Zone! There are only extremely stupid men!”

            “And I am the stupidest of them all!” Edward added.

            “Can’t argue with that.” Magic Brian giggled.

            “Look, if we're going to defeat…” Jenkins sighed, “ _Them_ , we need to think of something truly evil. Something that doesn't involve the same things we’ve already tried and failed at.”

            “What? No fighting? You're insane!” Lydia’s eyes widened in shock.

            “More insane than the rest of us!” Edward clarified.

            The purple worm wagged her tail, smashing a wall, “I have an idea!”

            “Oh?” Edward sneered, “And what's your idea, giant lavender larvae?”

            “Why don't we destroy Refuge?” she asked. When no one responded, she sulked, “People usually laugh when I say that...”

            “Well, we're not laughing,” Edward shot her a disapproving look.

            Lydia looked at the back of the room, where the large man from earlier was raising his hand again, “What about you Merrick, do you have any ideas?”

            Merrick, seemingly eager to share, began saying… something. Istus only knows what he said, because his voice never rose above a murmur.

            “Yeah that's great, shut up,” Lydia waved him off.

            “Come on, one of you sons of bitches must have a decent plan to defeat the-“ Edward took in a deep breath, “…I can’t even say it, but, you know!”

            “Aye, I've got an idea!” Marvey waved his hand in the air excitedly.

            “Oh, goody. The big lurching shark head has an idea,” Edward smiled sarcastically.

            “Well, go ahead and sock it to us, big man,” said Lydia.

            “What if we, says,” Marvey cracked his knuckles, “Stole their equipment while they’re asleepin’? Then they won't be able to stop us, aye.”

            The twins looked at each other for a moment.” …That's the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard!” Lydia exclaimed.

            “You go to the back of the class!” Edward pointed.

            “Doh, I'm so stupid...” Marvey sulked as he shuffled to his new spot next to Merrick.

            “Listen, you shouldn’t be so hard on him,” Yeemick said sympathetically, “He can’t help being all brawn and no brain.”

            “I’d like to hear you do better,” Lydia retorted, “Do you have an idea that doesn't involve killing your employer?”

            “Well, actually...”

            “Enough of this!” Jenkins shouted, “There's only one way to truly defeat  _them_ , and I know what it is!”

            “For the last time, we're not running them over with a train!” Edward said in exasperation.

            “Even if we did, the Raven Queen would just bring them back!” Lydia whined, “Ever since Kravitz became that Taako’s boy toy.”

            “We're not going to kill them,” Jenkins assured them, “At least, not literally.”

            “Then tell us, Wankins, what shall we do?” Lydia batted her eyelashes mockingly.

            “I told you not to call me Wankins in public,” Jenkins frowned.

            Edward cut in to defend his sister, “Well, you're asking for it.”

            “Yes, and it’s quite fun, too.” Lydia grinned.

            “Listen to me, damnit!” Jenkins had clearly reached his limit with this meeting, “The only way to defeat the Tres Horny Boys is to write a think piece.”

            “Think what?” Marvey yelled from the back.

            “A think piece. It’s a more pretensions word for essay,” Jenkins explained, “If we can write hundreds of uninspired essays about how Taako is a stereotypical gay, or about how Magnus is motivated by the dead wife cliché, or how Merle is just… the worst, they'll have no choice but to surrender to our superior might.”

            Everyone in the room looked at each other and nodded in agreement. “…That does actually sound like a good idea,” Lydia confessed.

            “It's very evil! I like it,” Edward nodded.

            Lydia took her bell out again, and rang it joyfully, “Now, let's go defeat the Tres Horny Boys once and for all!”

            The room erupted with the cheers of these despicable characters. When it died down, Merrick mumbled something that sounded vaguely encouraging.

            “You said it, Merrick!” Edward beamed.


	8. The Wizard's Apprentice (A Story for Children)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating: Teen
> 
> Ships/Primary Characters: Taako, Angus
> 
> Warnings/Tags: humor, fluff, children's books
> 
> Summary: There once was a Wizard with a very special gift...

There once was a Wizard, with some of the most powerful magic in the country. He had the ability to transform objects into anything he desired. A simple stone could become a jewel, or a handful of dirt could become expensive salt.

The Wizard travelled alone for a long time, enchanting crowds with his displays of magic. He took in a Student, hoping to teach him magic. But the Student was jealous of the praises the Wizard received, so one day he used sinister magic to kill a crowd who had gathered to see the Wizard perform.

Disgraced, and fearing for his life, the Wizard fled to a town where no one knew his name. He disguised his clothes, making himself look like a mercenary, and set off to look for a guild who would hire him.

One night, in a bar, he met a Fighter and a Cleric, who were both looking for mercenary work as well. They took many jobs together as a group, going on grand adventures to find magical artifacts that could destroy their world. Even though the Wizard was reserved, and would never admit it, he quite enjoyed the company of the Fighter and the Cleric.

One of the jobs they took required them to find a murderer on a train. The Wizard met a clever young boy, who would become his Apprentice. Now, the Apprentice was not very good at magic, at first. But the Wizard always encouraged him, and soon he grew to be a good spellcaster. The better his Apprentice became at magic, the fonder the Wizard became of him.

One day, the Apprentice became so skilled that he helped the Wizard defeat an old, powerful evil.

The Fighter and the Cleric were also there to help fight the Evil. His Sister, who had been lost for many years, also helped. The Sister and her husband, the Scientist, rallied together the whole world to help her brother fight.

When the Evil was defeated, the whole world rejoiced. The Wizard, and the Apprentice, used their magic to help rebuild what was destroyed in the battle. Then, they found a house in a quiet part of the country, and lived happily together.

The End.

-0-

“Well, this is a load of shit,” Taako said nonchalantly, throwing the manuscript down on the coffee table.

“Why do you say that, sir?” Angus asked.

“Because that’s not how it happened. You were there, Dango, was that what happened?”

“Well, no,” Angus admitted, “But this is a book for children, they had to… you know, leave out some stuff?”

“Like my sister?” Taako growled, “Did they really have to tact her on the end there like she was a minor character? I think fucking Sazed got more screen-time then her!”

Angus picked up the manuscript and flipped through it, “…Okay, yeah, that’s not _super_ great. Did they show you any of the drafts before this?”

“This is the first one I’ve seen,” Taako said, “But apparently the _others_ got first drafts.”

“Maybe they were looking for an outsider’s perspective?” Angus asked. When Taako glared at him, he backpedaled, “I mean, you’re right, sir, that’s not cool!”

“Hell yeah it isn’t,” Taako stood up from the couch and snatched the manuscript from Angus, “I’m gonna go find this clown and-“

“Wait, sir!” Angus jumped up, “Can we- may we please keep it?”

Taako gave him an incredulous look.

“It’s- uh… I know it’s not very true, sir, but… everyone already knows the story of the Seven Birds. Nobody knows this story. This one is… cute? Funny? I… I like it.”

“Are you saying it should be more fictionalized?”

Angus nodded.

Taako considered the idea for a moment, then ruffled the boy’s hair in approval, “I like it. Come on pumpkin, let’s go tell them your suggestion.”

-0-

**_The Wizard’s Apprentice_ **

_There once was a Wizard with a very special gift. He could take something and make it into anything he wanted. He could turn a rock into a gemstone, or he could take a stick and turn it into a powerful sword._

_The Wizard also loved to cook, and he was very good at it. He made delicious food that could make anyone’s mouth water. He combined his love for magic and his love for cooking, using his gift to create any ingredients he needed to make the most amazing dishes._

_The Wizard travelled all over the land, using his talents to impress. With each city he visited, he became more popular, and soon crowds would form wherever he would perform. The Wizard loved the attention, but he felt lonely. He travelled alone, with no one to share his adventures with._

_Then, one day while he was riding on a train, he met a boy. The boy was also alone, so he started talking to the Wizard. The boy was very good at solving puzzles and mysteries, but he wanted to learn magic._

_“I could teach you,” The Wizard offered._

_The boy was very grateful, so they started to travel together. The boy became the Wizard’s Apprentice, and enjoyed all the good food that the Wizard cooked. The Apprentice and the Wizard read stories of high adventure together, and went on some of their own adventures. They both agreed that having a friend to travel with was better than going alone._

_The End._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's brain goblin idea was: what if they made children's books about the Seven Birds and Taako didn't like how he was portrayed? I hope you enjoyed!


	9. Angus' Birthday Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating: Teen
> 
> Ships/Primary Characters: IPRE, Carey, Killian, Avi, Kravitz, Angus
> 
> Warnings/Tags: fluff, humor
> 
> Summary: it's Angus' birthday, and everyone has gotten him a gift!

Taako was finishing up the decorations on the cake when he heard something heavy scraping against the cafeteria floor. He looked out from the serving window to see Magnus pushing a small bookshelf around in the room. “Hey Taako, where do you think I should put this?”

“A little bit to the left. No, my left, my bad- little bit more… perfect!” Taako called out. He bent down, grabbed a few things from his satchel, and walked out of the kitchen. “Now we can put all our gifts on that and it’ll be the first thing Dango sees when he walks in.”

“That sounds great!” Magnus beamed. However, when he saw Taako put two books, a blue messenger bag, and a teddy bear on the top shelf, his face fell. “Oh no.”

“Oh no what?” Taako asked, “If there’s not enough room, we can put stuff on the floor. No biggie.”

“No, not that,” Magnus shook his head. He then set down a teddy bear, who was wearing gray deerstalker and matching cape, next to Taako’s gifts.

“Well shit,” Taako looked at the two bears for a moment. Then, he shrugged and turned back to the kitchen, “At least mine doesn’t look like a dork!”

“Yours is so basic, at least mine’s a detective bear! Angus will love him!” Magnus complained.

“What’ll Angus love?” Carey asked, running ahead of Killian with a gift bag in tow, “Mags, the bookshelf looks great… oh no.”

Magnus bit his lip, “Please don’t saw you two also brought-“

“We did.” Killian sighed, “And a lock picking kit, but the bear was just... too cute not to buy.”

Carey guiltily put a silver case and a teddy bear in a yellow sweater and glasses on the second shelf.

“We are fucking terrible,” Taako said matter-of-factly as he sat his finished cake down on the table, “I mean, I know the kid’s a baby, but this shit is ridiculous.”

“He’s twelve now, Taako,” Carey pointed out, “That makes him a tween.”

“That’s what I said, a baby.”

Before the situation could escalate, Merle walked in with his kids in tow. When he saw the bookshelf, he groaned, “Pan damn it.”

“ _ You  _ got him a bear too?” Magnus asked in disbelief.

“No, I made him one,” Merle huffed, taking his creation and putting it on the shelf, “It’s a hugbear.”

“It’s a shitty rag and some yarn, Merle,” Taako pointed out.

“At least I put some time into my gift.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?!”

“Well, this is just embarrassing,” Lucretia said from the doorway. She was holding a new journal and a yellow bear with a red shirt, “If I had known everyone was going to bring stuffed animals, I would have bought something different.”

“Okay, next year, we are gonna fucking…  _ plan _ what we’re each getting him together,” Taako pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I agree, because this is rather unfortunate,” Davenport nodded as he entered the room, taking in the situation solemnly. He walked over, and placed a sextant and a bear in a dark blue raincoat and a red hat with the growing collection.

“This is the worst. I hate it.” Taako sat down in a chair heavily, “We fucking- saved all of existence from an all-consuming evil, and yet we can’t come up with something more original for our boy wonder.”

“I’m sure Angus will love… the other stuff,” Magnus offered gently, “And we still have the cake.”

“Yeah, at least we have this bomb-ass cake,” Taako agreed.

“Oh, you have got to be shitting me!” Avi groaned when he saw what everyone else had brought, carrying a large red bear under his arm. The bear had on a brown vest and a yellow kerchief was tied around its neck. “You know how fucking long it took me to win this thing? Way too long!”

“Welcome to the club, Avi,” Merle rolled his eyes.

Just then, a portal opened in the middle of the cafeteria, and Lup and Barry came spilling out. Lup shook her head to reorient herself, then said hastily, “Okay, Krav is gonna be here any sec with the kid, so let’s get into place!”

As the room scrambled to gather around the bookshelf, Barry took a red jacket from his robe and put it with the other gifts. He reached to pull something else out, but paused when he got a good look at everything else on the shelf, “Oh, heh, that’s kinda funny.”

He took out a small teddy bear, wearing a yellow polo with a black zig-zagging stripe, and put it on top of the robe. Lup pulled him over to stand beside her. They all watched the doorway eagerly.

They could hear Kravitz and Angus having a conversation as they walked down the hall. Angus seemed to be asking a lot of questions, and Kravitz was answering them the best he could.

“Thank you for the ice cream, sir! Did you know it was my birthday?”

“No, I just thought you’d like some because it’s so hot outside. Happy birthday, though.”

“Are you sure Taako didn’t tell you?”

“Not that I recall.”

“Why are we back on the moon base, then?”

“Taako said to meet him here, he had some business to attend to.”

“What busine-“

As Angus walked into the cafeteria holding Kravitz’s hand, everyone shouted, “Happy birthday!”

Angus tried his best to look and act surprised, “Wow! Thank you sirs, ma’ams!”

They all took turns hugging him and picking him up, before they finally put him back down in front of the bookcase.

“Oh, I see you didn’t wrap… anything,” Angus noted.

“Well, we knew you’d figure it out anyway,” Carey shrugged.

“I just ran out of time and got lazy,” Merle admitted.

“And you all got me… teddy bears?” Angus looked at Taako incredulously.

“Well,” Taako drawled, “You see…”

“We got you other things as well,” Lucretia offered.

“And Koko and I made some dope food,” Lup said confidently.

Angus look at all of them skeptically. “Uh huh. But it looks like  _ everyone _ got me a-”

“I’ve never seen you with a stuffed animal!” Magnus blurted, “It’s very sad!”

“Is that why the rest of you got me one?” Angus asked.

The group looked at each other, and guilty nodded or shrugged.

“We just thought it was cute,” Killian explained.

“Mine was a little detective just like you!” Magnus said. “I thought you’d really like him!”

“Well,” Angus took a deep breath, “Sirs, ma’ams, you can keep the bears-”

“Angus!” Taako said sternly, “That’s rude-”

_ “SowhenIcomeoverIcanhaveonethere,”  _ Angus said quickly, and flashed a sheepish smile, “I’m very thankful for the gifts, they were very thoughtful, I just think it might be hard getting them all home.”

Taako sighed in relief, coming over to Angus and hugging him, “Thank fuck, I thought I was gonna have to make you get punished on your birthday.”

“In hindsight, I could have rephrased that,” Angus laughed nervously, “But, is it okay if I look at the rest of my gifts now, sir?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you catch all the references? Leave 'em in the comments below! And don't peak at the comments until you post your guesses!!


	10. The Two Betrayed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating: Teen
> 
> Primary Characters: Taako and Davenport
> 
> Warnings/Tags: dialogue fic, talking about your issues
> 
> Summary: The two betrayed go fishing and talk about their life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I originally wanted to make this longer but I really like it the way it is now? Sorry it's kinda short.

 

            “Did you hear how I said my ideal date would be to go fishing? Was that broadcasted?”

            “No, but Magnus told me.”

            “Were you the one who taught me how to fish?”

            “I honestly don’t remember, Taako. Sorry.”

            “No, it’s chill.”

            …

            “I wanna think you were the one who taught me. Seems like the kinda dorky dad shit you would do.”

            “Thank you, Taako. That means a lot.”

            “Listen, before we left that day, the only family I had was Lup. Now I got two dads, siblings, a husband… even got a kid. Isn’t that some crazy shit? Me, with a kid?”

            “…At the beginning of our mission, if you had told me that? Yes, Taako, it’s crazy. But now? Not really. You’ve grown a lot, Taako.”

            “Have I? I feel like I haven’t changed a gods-damned bit.”

            “Well, some things will always stay the same.”

            …

            “Do you ever feel like- like we didn’t get all our shit back? And you have no clue if it’s because you never remembered in the first place or if it was because of what she did?”

            “… Yeah… a lot.”

            “I feel like there’s stuff I should remember, but I can’t put my finger on what because it’s- fucking- lost to time, my dude.”

            “Yeah.”

            “And I know I didn’t lose as much as you, but it still bothers me because it’s _right there_ , it’s so close. But I can’t remember shit, and I have no clue how to bring it back.”

            “…I don’t think she would have done it if- if she knew how much she’d be taking from us.”

            “Probably, yeah.”

            …

            “I think I- I think I- got a-“

            “Reel it in!”

            “…what the hell?! …Quit laughing at me!”

            …

            “Did you ever forgive her?”

            “No, but I accept- I came to terms with what she did.”

            “… you know? Me too.”

            …

            “Do you think you ever will?”

            “Probably not. The Judges did say my sin was Wrath, and, heh. They weren’t wrong.”

            “Yeah… ain’t it insane how well they pegged us? And all the prophecy shit?”

            “It really is.”

            “I mean, how did they even know about Ango? Or Rosswell? Or- whoever the hell we killed in Goldcliff. _I_ don’t even remember who it was, and I was there!”

            “I don’t know, Taako.”

            “We really shoulda listened to them, huh?”

            “I was so vague, how would we know?”

            “True.”

            …

            “I think I’m gonna grill these bad boys up and make us some drinks. Sound good?”

            “Yeah.”

            “You wanna keep fishing for a bit?”

            “Please.”

            “Alright, Dad, I’ll call you when it’s done, ‘kay?”

            “Okay.”

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm love Taako and Davenport and I want them to bond please griff.


End file.
